


give me hope in the darkness

by wilsonsnest



Series: ghosts that we knew [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Powers, Angst, Architects, Artists, Domestic, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Esteem Issues, Sickfic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-05
Updated: 2019-10-06
Packaged: 2020-11-24 02:29:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20900156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wilsonsnest/pseuds/wilsonsnest
Summary: James and Sam navigate their new relationship one step at a time.Chapter 3:Sam wouldn’t be so worried if it wasn’t such an important week. He was going home for Thanksgiving, just Thursday, Friday and Saturday, and James would be home all alone. His boyfriend had scoffed at his concern, saying that he had spent many a Thanksgiving alone and Sam should enjoy his time with his family without worrying.Except James was definitely getting sick no matter how much he tried to deny it.Whumptober 2019





	1. courage

**Author's Note:**

> I couldn't resist doing one of the October challenges. It was either this or kinktober and I'm a sensitive flower and didn't think I could handle kinktober (I may sprinkle it in here if I'm feeling adventurous). 
> 
> This isn't so much a direct sequel to ghosts that we knew so much as just drabbles about their relationship now that they are together. Probably chronological because thats how I roll, but I'll always have notes at the beginning just incase.
> 
> You should probably go ahead and read ghosts that we knew before this btws.
> 
> Without further ado: Prompt 1: Shaky hands

James’ hands were gripping the door frame so tightly that Sam feared the wood might crack under the strain of his metal prosthetic. He was watching his boyfriend from the few paces he had walked into the backyard. Nearby, a blanket lay on the manicured grass along with a bottle of wine and a store-bought cheese plate. The perfect set-up for a date if only his boyfriend would actually _come outside._

Sam sighed a little, scratching at his cheek as he watched James refuse to look at him or the blanket. He could admit that he had sort of sprung the idea rather suddenly on the older man, but he couldn’t think of any other way to do it. James _hated_ when Sam mentioned the prospect of them leaving the house together. He would vehemently refuse and then quickly reiterate that he had no problem with Sam leaving whenever he wanted to.

James seemed to understand that being cooped up in a house was bad for one’s health, at least everyone else’s but his own.

Sam ducked his head a little as the wind blew, slightly chilly even in the afternoon sun. If this went on much longer, the sun would set and it would be too cold to be outside.

Slowly, Sam walked towards James stopping in front of him and placing a hand on his prosthetic one. He smiled softly as James let him peel the fingers back from the doorframe and hold his hand. James still wasn’t looking at him, but at least he wasn’t trying to escape.

“Baby, it’s okay.” Sam said softly, rubbing his thumb over the back of James’ hand. “It’s just you and me.”

James bit his lip, eyes focused on his shoes. Sam considered the fact that he had even put on sneakers, jeans and a sweater a win. James wore sweatpants or pajamas nearly every single day, Sam wouldn’t have been surprised if he didn’t own normal going out clothes any longer.

“James, I promise it will be okay. I’m here.” Sam urged, ducking his head so that he could try and catch the older man’s eyes.

It was true enough. James’ home was fairly isolated, on a big plot of land with no neighbors insight. Even if there were neighbors, a thick grove of trees, intentionally planted, surrounded the boundaries of the land like a natural fence. The only way someone was going to see them is if they flew a drone overhead and Sam was pretty certain they weren’t in danger of that happening.

He could see James’ shoulders trembling, his hand shaking in Sam’s. The younger man reached out and took James’ flesh hand, holding it tight and secure even as he trembled. Slowly, he stepped backwards, not pulling, but just holding onto the other man. His breath nearly caught in his throat as James hesitantly took one step outside.

The poor man was shaking like a leaf, and it dawned on Sam how much trust was being put in his hands. Even Steve, James’ best friend since childhood, hadn’t been able to get him this far in years.

Whispering praise, Sam lead the other man through the grass to the blanket. James didn’t look up, instead keeping his eyes locked on Sam’s shoes the entire time. Eventually, they reached the blanket and sat down together, a little unsteadily as James refused to let go of his hands.

Sam marveled at how quiet James was. His boyfriend was so confident inside, in his own space. But the minute he had even gotten close to the door it was like he had disappeared inside of himself. Fear taking over everything else until he was a quiet, shivering mess.

“You did awesome, James.” Sam said sweetly, pressing a kiss to the uninjured side of his boyfriend’s face. “Thank you.”

James made a sound somewhere between a huff and a snort. He shuffled as close as he could and then leaned down to press his forehead against Sam’s shoulder. “You're the worst.”

There was no heat behind his tone though, and if anything there was a slight hint of relief. Sam smiled and squeezed James’ hands, the shaking had calmed somewhat though he still held onto Sam tightly.

“Me? I brought you a cheese plate!” Sam scoffed with a smile. “And I bought a bottle of wine that was over 25 dollars.”

That got James to actually laugh. He didn’t quite raise his head, but he turned a little so that his cheek was pressed against Sam’s shoulder. “I have a perfectly good wine selection here Sam, the…”

“…_subscription service handpicks the best wines of the year tailored to my taste.” _Sam finished the sentence, playfully exasperated. “You should be happy you aren’t wasting the good wine on me.”

“Nothing is wasted on you.” James murmured, suddenly quite serious when Sam’s humour became to self-depricating for his tastes. 

“You’re sweet.” Sam said, his body filling with warmth as the tension eased.

They didn’t get to the cheese or wine for another half an hour. James didn’t want to let go of Sam, still unsure of the whole outdoor endeavor. So instead, they talked about their days and discussed their next downstairs project.The dining room was complete and they were moving onto remodeling the stark living room next.

After thirty minutes had passed though, James untangled himself from Sam so that they could pour some wine. He insisted on hand-feeding Sam cheese and crackers, though Sam nearly laughed and choked when he tried to reenact Lady and the Tramp with a square of sharp cheddar. As the sun began to set, James easily became more relaxed. Leaning into Sam, but not trying to hide himself from the fading rays of the sun. 

Sam wasn’t sure if he’d ever seen anyone look quite as beautiful.


	2. trapped

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _If Sam had been badly injured and ended up in the hospital James wouldn’t have been able to get to him._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> James gets a wake up call. TW for mentions of injuries, but nothing serious.
> 
> Prompt 2 - Explosion
> 
> Also thanks for all your lovely comments on chapter one!! I truly appreciated it!! Glad your all just as excited about this as I am.

James frowned as he glanced at the clock hanging on the wall above his drafting table. It was nearly nine o’clock, Sam usually sent him a text saying he was on his over from work by now. The younger man had started sleeping over on the nights when he didn’t work until late the next day. He would usually show up with dinner in hand, and they would curl up in James’ bed to watch tv and catch up on their day. 

But it was past that time now, and James was trying not to worry.

Before he could consider it more, his phone buzzed next to his desktop and he reached over to grab it. His shoulders fell as he realized it was just Steve calling, but he dutifully answered the phone anyway.

“Stevie? What’s up?” James turned and leaned against his drafting table, folding an arm over his stomach.

He was surprised when his friend didn’t immediately answer. In fact, James could hear busy commotion in the background just beneath the sound of Steve’s breathing.

“Steve…?”

“_Buck, before I say anything,” _Steve’s voice was quiet and quick like he was trying to be unobtrusive. “_Just know Sam is okay._”

James stood up ramrod straight, feeling like his stomach had dropped onto the floor. His hand gripped the phone tightly as he demanded. “Wheres Sam?!What happened?!”

_“Hey, hey._” Steve tried to soothe over the phone. “_There was an accident when Sam was on his way home, a car crash and then some sort of explosion—_“

“Jesus fucking—-“

“_Sam was a few cars back, there was a pile-up, but hes _fine_ Bucky.” _Steve stressed. “_I’m the one who insisted he go to the ER. He’s a little bruised up, and his wrist is—_“

“Put him on!” James demanded, getting up and beginning to pace. His heart was beating rapidly in his chest, heat behind his eyes as anger and fear rose within him. “I need to talk to him, I—“

_“He’s in the bathroom!”_ Steve said hurriedly. _“They just gave him his release papers.”_

“Steve, I swear to God..”

“_I wouldn’t lie to you, Bucky, he’s fine I swear.” Steve sighed. “I’m gonna bring him home to you, okay? I promise.”_

James tried to get Steve to stay on the line, wanting to wait and hear Sam’s voice for himself but Steve told him they’d be by shortly. He stood in the middle of the room with the phone clenched in his hand, trembling as he tried to wrap his head around the news he had just gotten.

Try as he might, his brain couldn’t accept the fact that something had happened. Sam got a ride that route every day he came over and nothing had happened. Why now? Why today? James could feel the anxiety like an itch under his skin that he couldn’t scratch. He wouldn’t be able to grapple with this until he saw Sam was safe at home.

He distracted himself with getting out clean pajamas for Sam and making sure the bed was comfortable and ready. He cleaned the kitchen, putting away the dishes in the dishwasher. Luckily, before he could get too fidgety he heard a knock on the door, then the sound of the key in the lock. James practically ran to the front door, almost tripping over his own socked feet as the door opened.

Sam stood in the doorway, looking a little bedraggled, but standing none-the-less. James took one look at him, noticed the light bruising on the left side of his temple and dragged the younger man into a hug. Maybe he was being overdramatic, but the initial fear of something even worse happening to Sam had never quite left him. 

He barely even noticed when Steve squeezed around them carrying Sam’s things. It wasn’t until Sam made a sound against his chest that James finally pulled back, but kept his hands around Sam, too worried to let him go too far. He quickly catalogued the bruising on Sam’s face, but other than that he seemed okay…

“Your wrist.” James hissed, immediately worried that he had agitated by squeezing Sam so suddenly. “Are you okay? Let me see.”

Sam sighed, a tired sound, but held up his hand anyway, waiting patiently as James examined the bandages that were holding it steady.

“I’m fine, baby.” He murmured quietly, soothingly. “Just had a quick detour after work.”

James shot him a look that communicated that he clearly didn’t find that funny. But he couldn’t be angry at Sam, he was far too relieved that his boyfriend was all in one piece.

“‘I’m so glad you're okay.” His voice came out rough, like he was on the edge of tears. He turned and looked at Steve who was waiting patiently by. He looked a little worried, but otherwise just exhausted. The lines in his face more pronounced than usual.

James heart clenched as he considered how awful it must have been for Steve to receive that call. He was sure it must have reminded him of when he found out what had happened to James and Natasha that night five years ago.

Swallowing thickly, James kept one hand on Sam’s waist but beckoned Steve with the other. The other man didn’t even second guest, practically launching himself in James’ side, shaking with relief and emotion. For a moment, James was just happy to have the two people most important to him in the world safe and by his side.

Eventually Steve pulled away, surreptitiously wiping at his wet eyes. “D’you need anything else, Sam?” He said looking at the younger man.

Sam yawned widely and shook his head, leaning into James more. “No, I’m just exhausted.” He offered a small smile. “Thank you for coming to get me. I appreciate it, Steve. Really.”

“Of course.” Steve said it like there was no other option in the world.

“Do you want to stay the night?” James asked, brows knitting together. The thought of Steve shaken from today driving back home didn’t sit well with him.

But Steve refused, straightening a little and assuring them he’d be alright. With a promise to call as he soon as he got home, Steve said his goodbyes and headed out into the night. Once he was gone, James swept Sam upstairs to their bedroom. He asked the younger man if he wanted a bath, but Sam just shook his head, exhausted and sore. He wanted to sleep more than anything, and James was ready oblige. He helped Sam get undressed and into his pajamas, careful of his wrist and bruises. His entire left side had been banged up, but other than that both he and the driver had been uninjured in the pile-up.

James couldn’t help but be grateful, it took everything in his power not cry as Sam relayed the story to him. Instead, he soundly kissed his boyfriend, before helping him get comfortable in bed and tucking the sheets around him. Sam was asleep before James even got a chance to turn off the lights.

James went to sit by the window, his body still on high alert and his brain too full for him to go to sleep at the moment. But he didn’t want to leave, he couldn’t bear the idea of being away from Sam. Today had shaken him more than anything in these last five years.

What if Sam hadn’t been able to reach Steve? What if something happened to him another time Steve wasn’t available? _What if Sam needed him one day and James couldn’t get to him?_

He put a hand on his chest, his heart was thumping so loudly he was terrified it might wake Sam. But thoughts refused to go away, intensifying as he suddenly realized what Sam had meant when he said James was trapped here. He couldn’t leave. The very thought of it made him ill, and he had nearly panicked when Sam had convinced him to go out into his own backyard. 

If Sam had been badly injured and ended up in the hospital James wouldn’t have been able to get to him.

James slumped over putting his head in his hands, unable to reconcile the truth of what this meant. He had been so adamant that as long as Sam could leave, everything would work out just fine because Sam would always come back to him. He had never once considered what would happen if circumstances forced Sam to be kept away.

He had to do something. He couldn’t risk another incident like this again. Steve wasn’t always going to be available. That and Sam should be able to depend on his own boyfriend to be there for him when he needed him. 

James took in a deep shuddering breath, tomorrow… tomorrow he had some calls to make.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not gonna lie. I'm definitely going to twist some of these whump prompts to something sweet, so don't be worried that this whole thing will just be sad and angsty.
> 
> That being said, Delirium is up next.


	3. lucky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm surprising myself with how good at this whole 'whump' thing I am. I love me some introspective drama, but I'm doing better than I thought.
> 
> That being said. When I finished writing this all I could think was "this one sparks joy" so I think its my favorite so far.
> 
> Prompt 3: Delirium

**Sunday**

The sound of coughing startled Sam out of the novel he had been reading. He looked over at James, his boyfriend had sat up in bed and pushed the laptop away as he hacked wetly into his shoulder. He’d been doing it throughout the day, occasionally sniffling and wiping his nose with whatever paper towel or napkin was at hand. 

Sam hadn’t said anything about it. If James wasn’t feeling well, he had been sure his boyfriend would mention it.

But still, he couldn’t help but be concerned. Leaning over, Sam placed the back of his hand on James’s forehead. “Are you feeling okay?”

James grumbled something under his breath, trying and failing to hide his sniffling. The older man reached up and moved Sam’s hand, squeezing reassuringly. “I’m fine, sweetheart. It’s nothing.”

**Monday**

Sam wouldn’t be so worried if it wasn’t such an important week. He was going home for Thanksgiving, just Thursday, Friday and Saturday, and James would be home all alone. His boyfriend had scoffed at his concern, saying that he had spent many a Thanksgiving alone and Sam should enjoy his time with his family without worrying.

Except James was definitely getting sick no matter how much he tried to deny it.

That morning James had been unusually sluggish getting out of bed and didn’t have much of an appetite for breakfast. Sam had watched as he tried to do some work before laying down for a nap around 3 o’clock. By time he had left for work James was still fast asleep.

He came home with chicken soup for them both, and Gatorade just in case. They still had plenty of cold supplies left over from when Sam had been sick a few months ago. Upon arriving, Sam discovered that James had yet to get out of bed, having slept the entire time Sam was gone.

“Babe, I don’t think you're doing too hot.” Sam said gently as he helped James out of bed and to the bathroom. His skin was hot and slightly damp from sweat.

“I’m fine, Sam.” James winced even so, bringing a hand to his throat. He glanced over at Sam almost guilty. “R-really.”

Sam only rolled his eyes and then went to find the medicine and tissues. That night they ate in bed and were asleep by 9:30.

**Tuesday**

Sam woke up to James rolled over into a ball on his side of bed, shivering beneath the covers. A thin sheen of sweat was on his boyfriend’s forehead and when Sam touched him, he moaned in pain.

Sam called out of work that afternoon.

He wasn’t exactly sure how to deal with calling James out of work. But he figured someone with his status could probably be a little more flexible about these things. Instead, he went to work coaxing James to take advil and drink some water before heading downstairs to make breakfast.

James only made it through five bites of oatmeal before he begged off and refused to eat anymore. Sam conceded, only because of just how damn miserable James looked. After wiping his brow, and getting him to drink more water, Sam let him sleep.

He spent the day sitting by the window in the comfy armchair, doing light research on James’ laptop. Occasionally he checked his train ticket, leaving early in the morning on Thursday and glanced at James.

Two more days. Less even.

Around 4pm Sam was startled out of his dozing, having half-fallen asleep to Supernatural re-runs on TV. Blinking, he realized he could hear moaning coming from the bed. Sam glanced over and saw James on his back, twisting uncomfortably in the sheets.

Immediately he was on his feet and rushed to his side, placing a gentle hand on his arm. “James? James, what’s wrong?”

Suddenly, James metal prosthetic reached out to grab Sam’s wrist, holding on tightly like he was afraid Sam would disappear. 

“S-steve?” His voice was weak, a whisper of sound. His eyes weren’t open, but he had his face angled toward Sam. “S’hot… it burns.” He whimpered, trying to pull Sam closer. “Hurts, please, m-make it stop…”

“Ssh, ssh..” Sam tried to soothe, allowing himself to lean in closer. With his free hand he felt James’ forehead, still incredibly warm. “Your okay, James. What hurts?”

James whimpered and turned his head, pressing the scarred side of his face into the pillow and Sam’s heart constricted painfully in his chest.

“I’m going to get you some medicine—“

“No!” James rasped, holding onto Sam tightly. His eyes flew open, unfocused and dazed. His face twisted into confusion as he looked up at Sam, his grip going slightly slack as if surprised. “W-who are you..?”

Sam gingerly slipped out of James’ hold and reached over to the night stand to grab the advil bottle. When he looked back James was still staring at him, slightly slack jawed and more than a little out of it.

“Not a nurse.” James mumbled. “Too pretty to be a nurse. You're an angel. Did Steve send me an angel?”

Sam was going to go ahead and chalk that comment up to James being feverish. He tried desperately not to laugh and instead sat on the side of the bed. He soothed James’ hair back from his forehead, smiling as the older man leaned into the touch. 

“Not quite.” Sam said as coaxed James into taking the pills, whispering praise when the older man easily obliged. “Though you can sort of blame Steve for all this.”

James grumbled something unintelligible and then reached out his hand weakly. Sam took it in both of his, stroking over his skin soothingly. His boyfriend sighed, closing his eyes and relaxing into the pillow.

“Is always Stevie’s fault.” James said tiredly. “Got lucky this time, angel.”

**Wednesday**

The night before passed without another incident and James even got up on his own Wednesday morning. He was still weak, and tired but the delirious state had passed. Sam made them both breakfast, and debated calling out of work again. James had waved him off, saying he felt much better and that while he wouldn’t hate Sam sticking around, he shouldn’t feel obliged.

Sam ended up going to work when James promised he’d stay in bed all day. He ended up secretly texting his boyfriend throughout his shift to confirm that he was taking medicine and staying hydrated.

Sam hurried home faster than usual, calling Steve to let him know he wouldn’t stopping by the studio that night. His friend was a little concerned, but seemed to take Sam’s word for it that he had everything under control.

That night they ate warmed up leftovers from the weekend. Sam read his book while James dozed and half-watched tv. 

It was late in the evening, James’ head was in Sam’s lap when he looked up and asked. “Are you packed for your trip?” His voice was still a little rough, but he sounded much better than the previous two days.

Sam sighed and folded over his page before setting the book aside. He petted James’ hair lightly. “I think I may stay a few more days.”

James blinked, staring at him before pushing himself to sit up. “What? Sam you can’t—“ He turned and coughed into his elbow, before turning back to the younger man. “You _cannot_ cancel! I’m feeling much better.”

Sam looked at him. His face was still pale and haggard, he hadn’t bathed in two days and his chest still sounded stuffy. Sure, James had been taking care of himself for years but Sam would feel terribly guilty about leaving him alone on a holiday in such a state. He was probably the reason James was sick in the first place, bringing who knew what germs into the house.

“James, you're still sick as a dog.” Sam rubbed his back soothingly as the older man gratefully leaned onto his shoulder. “I’ll see if I can exchange my ticket for the weekend. I’m sure you’ll be better by then.”

James sighed and closed his eyes, pressing his face into Sam’s shoulder. “M’sorry, Sam.”

**Thursday**

Sam woke up to something shaking his shoulder insistently. He blinked awake into the darkness, the sun not even close to rising. Rolling over, he could see a shadowy figure standing over him and he nearly jumped out of his skin until he heard his boyfriend speak.

“Let’s get moving.” James said, gently urging Sam up. “We don’t want to be late.”

“Wha..?” Sam mumbled confused, rubbing at his eyes as his half-asleep mind tried to catch up.

James was insistent though and got Sam out of bed, turning only one of the lights on in the room so that Sam could see. Sam felt like he was sleeping walking through everything as James directed him to brush his teeth and pull on clean clothes. It was only when he was sitting on the edge of bed pulling on his sneakers that he blinked up at his boyfriend.

“Aren’t you sick?”

James sniffled a little on reflex. He had a duffle-bag over one shoulder and Sam’s backpack in his other hand. “I’m much better now. I had an angel looking out for me.”

Sam’s jaw dropped in surprise before he yawned widely. He wasn’t sure what the hell was going on, but James seemed to have everything under control. Before long, he was following James downstairs and to the foyer. He was expecting the older man to hand over his luggage when James’ motion toward the door.

A little alarmed, Sam opened the door, continuing to glance back at his boyfriend the entire time. It was still dark outside, but just beyond the gate Sam could make out the figure of a black car sitting idle. He turned to face James again, but the older man just nodded for him to go.

Sam felt like he was caught in some sort of hallucination. Maybe he was still asleep, because if he didn’t know any better he was walking out into the cold early morning air and James was actually _following_ him. Each time he glanced back, James was right there, head ducked but there was no hesitation in his steps.

“James..” Sam murmured quietly as they got to the car. His boyfriend hunched his shoulders, obviously uncomfortable and Sam quickly opened the back of the car. It was telling how quickly James scrambled inside, pulling Sam’s bags with him.

Sam followed afterwards, noting that there was a dark partition between them and the driver up-front. It was a nice car, spacious with black leather and tinted windows for privacy. He looked over at James, the older man was clutching Sam’s backpack to his chest, his head ducked down, body trembling.

“Baby, hey.” Sam said quietly as he moved to sit closer. He gently took one of James’ hands as the driver pulled off and started their journey.

It was about forty-five minutes before the car stopped. Sam had tucked himself close to James in the middle seat, only half-paying attention to where they were headed. Eventually, when he heard the engine turn off he looked up and saw they were outside of a familiar building.

“Y-you brought me to the train station.” Sam choked, eyes wide.

James finally lifted his head, looking at Sam from underneath his eyelashes. “You’ve got a train to catch.”

“But…” Sam trailed off. He recalled that he hadn’t yet exchanged his ticket, feeling too upset that he was going to have to call his Mom and say he was’t coming down. “James, you're still sick.”

“I’m much better because of you.” James assured him, squeezing his hand. “And Steve usually comes after visiting his Mom. I’ll be okay.”

Sam bit his lip, still feeling unsure. Of course he wanted to see his family, he couldn’t wait. That didn’t mean he wasn’t going to miss James like crazy. 

He leaned in and kissed his boyfriend’s forehead. “You better answer your phone when I call.”

“‘Course I will, angel.” James said, his voice a little cheeky. He leaned in and placed a chaste kiss on Sam’s lips. “Go on, you don’t want to miss your train.”

Sam nodded and grabbed his duffel bag and backpack. He couldn’t resist kissing James one more time before sliding out of the car, careful to close to the door as soon as he was out. He walked around the back of the car, nearly startled as he saw a man leaning against the front door. He was dressed in a rumpled looking suit, a hat that seemed more costume-y than official sat jauntily on his blonde head.

“Y’need any help?” The man asked, he sounded just as tired as the bags under his eyes would suggest.

“No, thanks.” Sam was a little startled, though he wasn’t sure what he expected. The blonde man scratched at a bandaged area on his chin before saluting Sam lazily and getting back into the car.

He paused for only a second more before he headed into the train station, wondering how he had gotten so lucky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually meant to introduce Clint in 'ghosts that we knew' but the timing never played out. He owns a private car service, but wil only drive for Bucky. We'll probably see more of him a little later.
> 
> Next up is Human Shield, oh boy.

**Author's Note:**

> So I'll be updating characters and tags as they show up, so keep an eye on that. Otherwise just enjoy these little slices of life.


End file.
